Recapping AHS: Tate Doesn't Like Mondays

We begin in 1994 – Students in a school library are typing on old Apple IIs and wearing lots of grunge. Hey, it’s the Undead Breakfast Club, of course they’re in the library. Someone is shooting students and coming after them. The shooter then breaks in and, unsurprisingly, he is Tate, looking exactly like he does now 17 years later. Tate kills each of them. As a side bar, holy shit 1994 was 17 years ago. Jesus I’m old. Back at the house, a SWAT team pushes past Constance and corners Tate in his bedroom. Tate mimes pointing a gun at his head while Constance screams in the background. Cue the theme music!

Act I! Violet is googling the Breakfast Club and how they died and sees a picture of Tate as the killer. Violet becomes the first person on the show to have a sensible reaction and immediately starts calling for her mom. I love a good girl power demon hunter as much as the next guy, but let’s be honest – most of us are not Buffy Summers and if the person we’ve been dating turns out to be dead, we would go running to our mothers. Violet finds Constance instead, who tells her that the house made Tate lose his way and gives a whole “more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio” speech. Constance brings in a medium who says Tate doesn’t know he’s dead. Violet disbelieves, but the medium asks her about Mary, which prompts Violet to remember an old woman in a hospital who says, “I don’t understand you” to Violet. Cut to the house, where Vivien is MASSIVELY pregnant and listening to Bach as the baby moves inside her stomach but then it’s just a dream. She is shaken and booty calls the Security Guy. They bond because he also had a spouse cheat on him. Ben interrupts the flirting. He’s there because even though no one wants him around, he is using the house as his office and they need the money. Viv wants to bash in Ben’s face. We all do, darlin’. Ben continues seeing patients, including a new one who is terrified of urban legends, particularly “The Piggy Man”, the ghost of a butcher who wore a pig mask. If you call his name in front of a mirror, he kills you and then the show SERIOUSLY creeps me out by showing a man with a pig’s head suddenly jumping out of a shower and killing someone with a knife and it’s honestly really frightening.

Seriously. Just...GAH!!!

Act II! Vivien is trying to track down the nurse who fainted when looking at her ultrasound. Constance shows up with a plate of offal, apparently because it helps with morning sickness. I can’t tell if this is because Constance is a horrible person who once tried to give everyone poison muffins or if she’s really trying to help. Moira agrees to cook up the pancreas and other organs for Vivien as she used to do for Constance. Moira says Ben will cheat again if given the chance, now shut up and eat your offal with sea salt and lemon. Viv gives it a whirl and apparently likes it. Offal, btw, looks like chicken nuggets. Back in therapy, Ben is trying to get his patient to look in a mirror and call for the Pig Man. I have no idea why Ben thinks that desensitization therapy involves invoking a heart attack. The patient makes the call when shut into the bathroom alone, but nothing happens. UNTIL! A dead person suddenly appears in the shower. When Ben looks, natch, there’s nothing there. Violet is talking with the girl that she and Tate punked back in episode two. The girl rattles on about the Bible and Revelations and some reference about a red dragon trying to kill a pregnant woman. Devil girl offers Vi some pills to help her sleep. Or maybe they’re just pharming. I hear kids are into that.

Act III! Violet visits the library where Tate killed everyone. The librarian is still there, although Tate’s gunshot paralyzed him. Violet asks about Tate, saying good people don’t just up and kill people. The librarian suggests maybe Tate wasn’t a good person. Back at the house, Vivien tries to fire Moira, but Moira offers to work for free until they sell the house and then gives Vivien another treat, a brain in bowl that’s garnished with a decorative sprig of mint.

Don't worry - it's organic.

Violet comes home and sees something in the shadows, leading her to the basement. Tate? Pig man? Gimp? Nope, try all of the dead people together! It’s unclear if this is really happening or the result of those pills, but she’s back up in her room with the stereo playing and “I love you” written on the wall. Tate, buddy, the sparkly undead stalker thing is so 2009. Violet downs some more pills and lies down, but Tate appears and drags her to the shower, forcing her to vomit up the pills.

Act IV! Ben is with his fearful patient again and spying on Vivien flirting and having sexy coffee with the Security Guy. Vivien later goes to church and finds the fainting nurse, who doesn’t want Vivien getting too close. The nurse quit her job after seeing Vivien’s ultrasound in which she saw The Beast, the Unclean Thing, hooves and all. She also quotes the segment of the Bible on the Whore of Babylon. Man, Vivien just cannot get a break, considering it was her husband who did the cheating. In his apartment, Ben’s patient tries out the Pig Man thing to test his courage. Then a man leaps out and shoots the patient dead. Turns out it was less Pig Man, more common robber. Constance has tea with medium, who offers to let her talk to Addie. Constance says she’s proud of Addie and apologizes for being a single mother, even though she kind of did that to herself. The medium says that Addie is on the other side and she is a pretty girl at last, but that she’s grateful for not making it back to the lawn because then she’d be stuck with Tate, whom she’s afraid of. In the house, Tate and Violet cuddle on the bed.

Next week, the sexy times return!

Recapping AHS: We Found We Are Each of Us A Zombie, A Ghost…

Sorry for the delay, everyone – stupid work travel. We pick up right where we left off with Burning Man knocking at the door while Violent sensibly is staying inside and looking too horrified to notice the Gimp standing behind her. When she turns around, he has promptly vanished. Typical Gimp. Violet later narrowly misses a hand coming from under her bed to grab her. All things considered, she’s pretty much coming out on top of this particular haunting. Tate is downstairs and presents her with a black rose because she doesn’t “like normal things.” Then he asks her out. Guess that flower was pretty accurate. Ben and Vivien arrive home like before with Violet gone and the alarm blaring. Cue arrival of Hayden at the door! How does Ben get out of this one? By slamming the door in her face and fetching a knife from the kitchen. Vivien is understandably flummoxed by this and tells Ben he needs to move out. It’s not that I disagree with Vivien, but I’m wondering why this was the proverbial straw to the camel’s back for her. Ben, however, swears that he won’t give up on his family DO YOU HEAR ME!?!? Because threats are scientifically proven to show how reasonable you are.

Act I! Ben goes outside and, running into Burning Man, smacks him across the face with the shovel. I literally LOL’d at this. Ben accuses him of working with Hayden to run some kind of extortion racket, though since Ben did the burial himself, I’m not sure how that works in his head. Burning Man says threats don’t work and he wishes he could die so that he could haunt Ben too, suggesting he’s maybe more quick than we have been led to believe. Back in the House, the handsome security man from last week shows up to answer the house alarm, granting Vivien another plot point to flirt with. At the beach, Vi and Tate are making out. Violet says she “wants to”, but Tate pulls off, saying he never felt this way about a girl before. But adds he’s not gay and maybe it’s just the meds he’s on. Uh huh. Tate says he used to come to this beach all the time to hate on high school and not have sex with girls. The tender moment is interrupted by the Undead Breakfast Club, a group of teens cut from the very fabric of cliché cloth. The Club has been looking for Tate, but he’s been hiding out at his mom’s house “for years”.

"Don't You Forget About Me" is totally their song.

Back at the house, Vivien tries to take a bath but gets a phone call from Hayden. Vivien tries to be all, “hey, we’ve all had illicit love affairs with married men when we were in grad school but then we get older and things aren’t quite as high up as they used to be, you know?” but Hayden goes right for the jugular saying Viv should ask Ben about Boston and making the words “ask him” appear in the increasingly steamy mirror.

Act II! Vivien wants to call the cops on Hayden but Ben thinks having cop cars in front of the house on Halloween may be a deterrent to prospective buyers. You have to give him credit, he pretty much took the first excuse that came up and ran all the way to the bank with it. Ben finds Hayden in the basement and she tries to come on to him because there’s a contract clause stating someone must hit on Ben in every episode. The seduction fails, leaving Hayden to take serious issue with the fact that Ben built a gazebo over her, which frankly is an understandable complaint. She calls him out on his treatment of women, but before the audience can deliver an “amen”, Burning Man knocks him unconscious with the shovel. Payback, she is a bitch. Outside, gay Spock is back, trashing Vivien’s pumpkins and yelling at her to get out of his house. Unnerved, Vivien calls the security company, but then gets another call from Hayden and it’s coming FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE! Yes, again. Viv goes looking in the kitchen in time to see something blow up in the microwave, likely the family’s little dog that the writers almost forgot about. Gross.

Act III! The Breakfast Club has followed Tate and Violet home. Vi confronts them, but they’ve got some beef with her being all alive when they’re supposed to be in college or something. I’d say it’s all emo, but honestly they’re actually being pretty true to life for teenagers. In the basement, Ben is tied up (not in a sex way for once) but is freed by Lady Macbeth, who clearly doesn’t think much of Ben but warns him to save the baby. Upstairs, the dog is alive (yay!) and Vivien confronts Hayden. The two confess what the other didn’t know –they’re both pregnant by Ben. This news doesn’t go down well for either of them. Ben arrives, coming clean about his affair. After everyone is crying, Handsome Security Guy shows up to “save” the day.

Act IV! Constance is in her kitchen with Violet, having taken her in after Tate led the Breakfast Club on a chase away from the house. Constance followed Addie to the morgue and, sobbing, did Addie’s makeup and hair to make her into the “pretty girl” she wanted to be. And then the bomb drops – Constance is Tate’s mother. Constance demands that Violet not tell Tate about Addie because he “doesn’t react well to certain things.” Tate, meanwhile, has led the Breakfast Club to the beach of no sex where they continue to taunt him. They want to know why he did the things he did, but Tate genuinely doesn’t seem to know what they’re talking about. Through flashes, we see bits of scenes that strongly suggest that Tate went on a school shooting rampage and killed a whole mess of kids, though it’s fuzzy when this all happened; one of the girls says that she would have been in her 30s by now. As the sun starts to rise, the ghosts converge at the house. Moira tells Spock her mother is dead while Spock says his boyfriend was out having sex all night. Dead boyfriend lamely apologizes for this and we get the sense this is going to happen a lot for these two guys. Hayden is driven to the police station by the security guard but vanishes from the car, surprising no one except the guard while Ben silently moves out of the house. The only question now is how long until Vivien totally makes out with the security guy?

Insert your own "Protect and Serve" joke here.

Hell on Wheels

AMC is making quite the name for itself with hard-hitting drama. First Mad Men, then The Walking Dead, and now Hell on Wheels. But you know what? It might be nice if the channel explored something a little lighter or maybe even (gasp!) a comedy. Because honestly, their shows are all kind of a bummer.

Hell on Wheels looks good, I'll give it that. Set in 1885 in the post-Civil War midwest territories, it tells the tale of a man seeking vengeance on the Union soldiers who murdered his wide during the war. But this is also the tale of the railroad and how it connected the two sides of America in the era of Manifest Destiny. The people are all appropriately dirty (and mutton-chopped!) and in many cases stumpy--from the war.

The show is working for that Deadwood vibe, and comparisons are going to be inevitable--but I think the problem is that the show doesn't go far enough. Deadwood certainly didn't have that problem and that's why it was awesome. Sure, the main character of Hell on Wheels is clearly an anti-hero, he shoots a guy in the face in the first five minutes after all. But he has a reason. It's all for love, you see. And sure he was a confederate soldier and former slave-owner....but he set all his slaves free before the war and becomes besties with the black guys he oversees on the railroad. Maybe I'm spoiled by HBO, but I feel like this character needs to be more anti and less hero.

See, he's the good guy but he's also bad. Well, kinda bad. Well, occasionally he does something naughty. Like a shoot a dude in the FACE.

A lot of other reviewers have complained that the show is boring but I disagree. It might have been paced a little more slowly than some other shows, but those random acts of violence sure kept me interested. But I might be a little blood thirsty. You'll need to judge that for yourself.

For now I am going to keep watching. If nothing else, for the utterly enjoyable Colm Meaney who definitely goes all the way with his villainous railroad mongol persona. Get that man a mustache to twirl, stat! Although I have to admit, everytime I hear him talk without his Star Trek Irish accident I get a little confused. He's really Irish so let him talk like it, dammit!

Hell on Wheels airs Sundays at 10:00pm on AMC.

Checking in on the freshman class

Now that we are well into the Fall season I thought it might be a good idea to check in on how some of the new shows are doing--especially those that have been reviewed here on the blog. Is it just me or has this been quite an impressive new fall tv season? After YEARS of wallowing in lackluster offerings, it seems the networks have started making shows that people actually want to watch again. That's a nice change.

Loving It:

--American Horror Story: there's been a lot of coverage of this show here on the blog, especially with Clovis' most excellent recaps, but it's well deserved IMO. It's nice to have a genuinely scary, genuinely perplexing show on tv again...it seems with the loss of LOST there have been too few WTF moments on network television. American Horror Story fills that gap quite nicely. Also, it's EFFING SCARY.

--Suburgatory: suburban snark never looked so good. And who knew Jeremy Sisto was so funny?

Revenge: delicious, soapy fun. It's twisty and turny and just great. And thank god Madeline Stowe is back...she gives Victor Garber a run for his money in the ability to convey emotion while barely moving her face. That could be the botox though.

New Girl: still the funniest new show of the season.

Enjoyable:

2 Broke Girls: It's still pretty funny, but it's over-reliance on gross sexual humor is starting to get to me. Can we maybe try to get through an episode without a vagina or rape joke, please? But still, cucpakes and mocking hipsters never get old.

Up All Night: Christina Applegate and Will Arnett are great in this show as two former heavy party animals dealing with their new baby...and new lifestyle. The show hasn't quite figured out how to integrate Maya Rudolph's tv talk show diva into the mix, but I am confident they will get there.

Once Upon a Time: three episodes in and I am still liking it. However, I find the fairytale land flashbacks much more compelling than the modern storylines.

Pan Am: There's promise of a great show here, but I'm not sure the writers will get the chance to find it if the ratings continue at their current level. And please, give Collete and Maggie some more awesome storylines, ok? They are the best characters.

The Secret Circle: This one actually occupies a spot between Loving It and Enjoyable as it ramps up The Vampire Diaries aspects of the show--meaning if the plot continues to move along and they continue having high stakes by killing off characters it could really take off for me.

Ringer: This is still better than I expected and hey, it's got Jason Dohring...but come on guys. Let's bump it up a level. A good start would to have more of Bridgette plotting (as she has in recent episodes) rather than just reacting when things go to shit around her.

Dead to Me:

Playboy Club: CANCELLED THANK THE LORD.

Charlie's Angels: DITTO.

Terra Nova: Sorry. Too boring.

Grimm: Remember when I fell asleep in the middle of this? I took that as a sign and haven't made an effort to make up for the lost time.

Viewer's Choice: Park and Recreation

I decided to start a new column here on the blog and it's all due to Facebook. A few nights ago when I was sitting at home (as I am wont to do), I was having trouble coming up with a topic to post about. After all, the glut of new fall shows is pretty much over, I couldn't think of any tv news that had really excited me in the past week, and let's face it I was feeling lazy.

So I headed over to Facebook and threw open my page for suggestions. And wow. Apparently a lot of people have a lot of ideas for posts. Mostly wanting me to write about shows that I had either not watched or had never heard of. And here we are! Based on YOUR feedback I'm going to expand my horizons and explore some new shows. Will I like it or hate it? Who knows?

First up: Parks and Recreation. This one comes from my friend Lauren who is a big fan, and while the show has generally been on my radar (mostly from people I know raving about it), I confess I never checked it out. I remember hearing that is was so-so in its first season, and kind of a rip-off from The Office, but had improved in the past few seasons. So I didn't have high expectations.

I watched the episodes that were currently available on my On Demand--which were three episodes from the most recent fourth season. For those of you familiar with the show they were the Gotcha! journalism episode, the Treat Yo Self and wilderness group episode, and the Halloween party episode.

And guess what? I loved it! Sure, the format was a blatant copy of The Office but who cares. It's effective, and staging the show in a local government office is just too perfect as it put the spot light on another type of soul-crushing monotonous work. The show seems to have a little more heart and optimism than The Office and while the people are weird, they seem more realistically weird. I bet we all know people with similar quirks so identifying with the characters (and the situations they end up in) is ridiculously easy. It's not often that I actually laugh out loud during comedies, but Parks and Rec had several scenes in each episode that had me rolling.

Also: Rob Lowe is in it and he is crazy. I'm officially hooked.

Thanks to Lauren for turning me on to another new show that I really enjoyed. I can honestly say that I am going to keep up with Parks and Rec and probably go back and watch it from the beginning. If you've got an idea for a show that you think would be good for a Viewer's Choice post, give a shout in the comments or give me a heads up over email or Facebook.

Don't cry Batman. You're on an awesome show!

Secret Girlfriend of the Week: SJP in Hocus Pocus

Ah, Halloween. Is there any better holiday than one that centers around 1) chocolate, 2) scaring the bejeesus out of people, and 3) chocolate? You might say Christmas, but that shit's a lot of work. At Halloween all you need to do is throw on a sheet and grab some candy and you are set.

And one of the best parts of the holiday is the plethora of scary movies on television through the month of October. But sometimes you aren't in the mood to be actually scared--you want the comfort food equivalent of horror. For me, it's the Disney movie Hocus Pocus, a Halloween staple.

Just in case you live under a rock or are a communist or something and haven't seen Hocus Pocus--here are the basics. Teenager Max and his little sister have recently moved to Salem, Massachusetts. On Halloween, while trying to impress a girl, Max releases the Sanderson sisters, a trio of nasty witches, from their 300 year old grave. The witches have one night to absorb the souls of children in the town or it's back to dead for them. Hijinks ensue, and while the concept might sound scary the movie is actually silly fun. It doesn't hurt that the Sanderson sisters are played by Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy, and Sarah Jessica Parker.

Ah, SJP. Hocus Pocus came out in 1993, so before Sex and the City made her a household name, and she plays the youngest witch sister, Sarah. Or the "sexy" one if you prefer. As much as a 300 year old witch can be sexy.

See, she's the "hot" one.

Bette Midler is clearly the star of the witch trio, but if you keep your eyes on SJP during the movie you'll see that she's actually kind of brilliant. While mostly in the background, she's constantly performing bits of physical comedy (munching on spiders, hanging off random fence gates, getting beat up by Bette) and it makes me wonder how much was on the spot ad libbing.

She also gets a brief moment to show off her pipes (SJP did a lot of musical theater--seriously look it up) and its nice to see her acting totally goofy before she got caught up in all that Carrie Bradshaw stuff. While rewatching it on Halloween I enjoyed her performance more than any other part of the movie--which came as kind of a surprise.

So SJP gets an MVP trophy and the distinction of being the TV Sluts Secret Girlfriend of the Week. Work that witch stuff girl, snaps!

Love me Some Glee...and Ireland (Spoiler Alerts)

Well I know I didn't write much about the past episodes of Glee, but I have been loving this season. Each episode has been full of fun plot and great songs including a lot of musical numbers. This weeks episode, though lacking in the musical theater, was also fun.



First of all DAMIAN! We knew it was Damian's first episode because it was called pot o gold. For those of you who for some reason or another didn't watch the Glee Project, Damian was one of the first place winners who won a 7 episode arc on Glee. Last night he starred as Rory the Leprechaun. I am so glad they didn't make him do a fake american accent AND gave him two songs. I thought his rendition of "It's not easy being green" was great. My friend Michelle on FB commented this morning that that whole sequence was reminiscent of a similar scene in Grease 2, where the dorks sings about being the outcast. Duly noted, and she is right, it looked like that scene.

Damian's acting may have been slightly sub par, but I like them bringing him as a younger exchange student crushing on Britney.

The rest of the songs were ok. Puck did another guitar number and spent an entire scene talking about pools shirtless again. Mercedes did yet another Christina Agulaira number (though I know Candyman is a throw back to Bugle Boy). It wasn't great as the rendition of Beautiful but it was peppy. Much like the Katy Perry number.



Overall I liked the episode. I will point out however, that they are going overboard in how kid like and dumb Britney is. At this point, she should be in special needs classes, especially if she thinks her cat poops candy bars. I am excited Mike O Malley is back! He is one of my favorite characters. Though I still expect him to ask the glee kids to climb the Agro Crag. Let's hope he gets elected to congress!

The new romance?? Meh, I find it creepy, but I am reminded of all the fun we had when Pacey his teacher :)

Grimm

So a funny thing happened on the way to the Grimm premiere. Before watching it, I had a liter of wine. What? That big bottle was about to go bad and I couldn't be WASTEFUL. So when I sat down to watch the show with some friends (at least I wasn't drinking alone)...I kind of feel asleep in the middle of it. And I honestly don't remember that much of what I saw. I suppose that means I wouldn't be the best person to write a review. But never fear! Guest-blogger Kristin was on hand to pick up my slack, and you can check out her most excellent review right now. --Maggie Cats

Cute homicide detective turns supernatural hunter…really, where do you go wrong with a premise like that? Add in the fact that some beautiful women are actually ugly demon chicks in disguise and Big Bad Wolves can reform, and I think we might have something entertaining on our hands!

Grimm is putting a new twist on the well-known stories from the Brothers Grimm. In this telling, homicide detective Nick Burckhardt (played by David Giuntoli) learns that he is a descendent of a group of hunters known as “Grimms,” who fight to keep humanity safe from the supernatural creatures of the world. Upon learning of his destiny, he has to protect every living soul from the sinister storybook characters that have infiltrated the real world. Personally, I think this is a pretty tall order, but I guess someone has to do it.

In the first episode, Nick Burckhardt is kicking along in his regular life pretty well. He seems reasonably good at his job, he has a girlfriend he wants to propose to, and things seem pretty normal. Enter weirdness.

It starts out with poor Nick seeing some pretty weird stuff...a gorgeous woman on the street whose face morphs into weird demon like features, a suspect at the police station who doesn't look exactly human, etc. Then in rolls Aunt Marie, the woman who raised Nick after his parents died, complete with her Airstream trailer. Turns out, she is sick and dying, presumably from cancer given the bald head. Although she could also just be badass and rocking a bald head, one never knows.

She quickly tells Nick that some weird shit is about to go down and then they get attacked by some creepy demon dude with a scythe. Demon guy is identified as a “Reaper of the Grimms,” conveniently inscribed on his killer scythe (Grimm Reaper, Reaper of the Grimms…ok, I buy it). Luckily before Aunt Marie (Kate Burton) falls into a coma, she tells Nick to check out her trailer to find out all about what the heck is happening to him. Apparently aforementioned trailer holds all the answers. He checks it out and the answers are less than forthcoming.

Later Nick runs into a reformed Big Bad Wolf (technical name of Blublot??), played by Silas Weir Mitchell. Over a couple of beers (yes, Big Bad Wolves drink beer too…who knew?) Big Bad Wolf sheds a little more light on what the heck is going on.

Eventually, Nick gets his grove back, at least somewhat, and decides that he can use his new supernatural knowledge to solve crimes, in this episode a missing person case. Of course, he gets a little help from his friends, his homicide detective partner and his new Big Bad Wolf buddy.
Like always, some critics liked it and some didn’t. The common complaint: some people didn’t seem to love the blending of cop shop procedural stuff and the supernatural perps. Personally, I didn’t mind it. I think it will be interesting to see how Nick attempts to work around the detective rules and regs while using his supernatural knowledge to solve crimes. I also liked the idea that the Grimm storybook tales are actually way more cautionary than one could have ever expected. I am looking forward to seeing all the different characters from the books take their places as good, bad, or indifferent during the course of the show. Plus, there are weapons and fighting, which is always cool!!

Overall, I think this was a decent first outing and I am looking forward to the next episode. From what I can tell, Nick is going to have two partners from here on out, his homicide detective partner for the cop stuff and his Big Bad Wolf partner to help him with the supernatural side of things. From the previews, it looks like we can expect some funny moments in both of these partnerships…and really, who doesn’t like a little funny with their supernatural. I think it will be fun to see where this goes.


Grimm airs on NBC on Fridays at 9 pm.

Recapping AHS: Everyone Loves a Fluffer

And we’re back, with more American Horror Story! Our teaser begins with the requisite flashback, this time to 2010 where we meet the two gay men who used to own the house, one of whom is the newly gay Spock (Zachary Quinto, not Leonard Nimoy) fully embracing his new role both on film and in life. The lovers are preparing for a Halloween party and argue nastily with each other. Apparently Ben isn’t the only one who has a hard time being faithful – Spock’s partner, Mr. Spock, has a thing for fellows at the gym. After what has got to be the longest lovers quarrel over pumpkins ever committed to film, Mr. Spock remembers how the two of them wanted to start a family. Babies are definitely becoming a theme on this show. Spock is left preparing for the party when the gimp appears. Despite mistaking this as an attempt for some kinky make-up sex, Spock is drowned by the gimp in the “dunking station” with the apples. Cue creepy theme music!

"The gay episode airs when? Hrm, maybe I should make an announcement before then..."

Act I! Vivien and Ben’s realtor says they need a fluffer to sell the house. The pun is clearly intentional, because characters are going to say this word about 10 more times throughout this episode. Ben says the fluffer will have his work cut out for him, since the house was egged last night. We see that the culprits are the dead 70s twins from the pilot. Kinda lame thing for ghosts to do, honestly. Elsewhere, Addie says she wants to dress up for Halloween as a “pretty girl”, but Constance says she can be Snoopy. Tate gives Ben an alibi for why he was in the house the night of the home invasion, conveniently leaving out all the demon-summoning he was doing. Ben agrees to keep the show’s plot moving along by still seeing Tate as a client as long as it’s not in the house. Yup, sounds professional. Though, clearly, this is not the last bad decision that Ben is going to make. Meanwhile, OldMoira is carving pumpkins and asks for Halloween off so she can go visit her mother. Viv’s greets the newly-arrived fluffers and OMG you guys it’s TOTALLY Spock and Mr. Spock, looking alive and hale again!

Act II! The fluffers are still bickering in death as they debate how to get the house ready for sellers, agreeing that the gazebo has got to go. They both taunt Ben about whether he built it himself. Ben nervously cuts his finger and Mr. Spock offers to treat it for him. They go to the bathroom where Mr. Spock’s wandering hands try to get into Ben’s pants. Man, everyone’s after Ben, aren’t they? Upstairs, Addie hides under Violet’s bed and jumps out asking if Violet will make her over. Addie, now prettified, goes back home and argues with Constance over her new, more adult appearance. Constance is not a fan of this and it all turns directly into the Tennesse Williams drama hour. Back in the house, Violet is attacked by the gimp in the basement! Kidding, it’s just Tate in the costume. Tate expositions about the origins of the house – turns out one of the girls in the 20s who sought out Dr. Montgomery the abortionist for his services had a boyfriend who wasn’t so pleased. The BF stole the Montgomery’s baby son, killed him, called the family to taunt them and then mailed the baby back to them in mason jars because the CALL WAS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE! Seriously, this was gross. But not as gross as Dr. Montgomery deciding to try to rebuild (yes, you read that right) his son by sewing the baby parts back together and adding some animal bits as well. Tate says the MonsterBaby still lives in the basement, which explains a bit. Also, still gross.

Act III! Ben is unburdening himself on Tate. Between this and the patient who killed herself last week, Ben is the worse therapist ever. That night, Constance sitcoms herself by realizing the error of her argument with Addie about letting her trick-or-treat as a “pretty girl” and gets her a full face mask of a super model. This is both touching and really, really creepy because the mask is an uncanny-valley kind of horrifying. Ben and Vivien dress as vampires (not the sparkly kind) and Vivien confronts Ben about the mistress, having gone through Ben’s cell phone bill at Spock’s earlier suggestion. “Hayden is over,” he says immediately, natch, before Ben’s cell phone goes off and it’s Hayden calling. Spock interrupts by going all Tim Gunn on Vivien’s costume. Man, Zachary Quinto just came blitzing out of that closet, didn’t he? The “dunking station” is back, sending Spock and Mr. Spock into a fit, as they both see the gimp lurking in a shadow behind everyone. All the excitement gives Vivien stomach cramps. Ben and Vivien rush to the hospital leaving Violet alone in the house.

Should end well.

Act IV! Violet reads manga and ignores the trick-or-treaters, unaware the gimp is watching her. The American Eagle bullies are back trick-or-treating as slutty somethingorothers and mock Addie in her “pretty girl” outfit. Addie runs after them, right into the middle of the road where she promptly gets hit by a car. Like, hard. Honestly didn’t see that coming. EMTs try to treat Addie, but Constance, appearing honestly distraught and horrified, pushes them off, insisting that all they need to do is get Addie onto the lawn in front of the house. She drags Addie there herself, sobbing all the way. Doesn’t seem to do the trick, though, as Addie is still and unmoving even on the lawn. This is actually a really gut-wrenching scene and I’m really intrigued to see what they do with this development. At the hospital, Ben and Vivien talk to the doctor who is doing an ultrasound and tells them that the baby is…… and then she faints. Fainting is also becoming a thing in this show. Elsewhere, OldMoira is in a depressing nursing home with a very old woman hooked up to a respirator. OldMoira, crying, stops the respirator on Mother. While this is obviously an act of mercy, it still looks a lot like murder until the old woman appears behind OldMoira saying, “Come with me”, and Moira sobs, “I can’t.” Again, Constance and Moira prove themselves to be the most interesting and compelling characters here. Ben and Vivien arrive home later to find Violet missing, but the dead mistress standing at the front door, grinning. Spooky! Part 2 of this story airs next week.

Once upon a time...

In a land far, far away, Snow White was kissed back to life by her Prince Charming. They planned a beautiful wedding and right as they were about to seal the deal...the Evil Stepmother/Queen/Witch appeared and cursed them. But it wasn't just Snow White and the Prince that got cursed, oh no. That evil bitch was pissed AT THE WORLD. So everyone in fairy tale land got the smack down. And what was her revenge? To rip them all out of their magical existence and dump them into the most horrible, soul-killing, darkest place imaginable.

Our world.

That's the central premise of ABC's Once Upon A Time. The former fairytale residents have been zapped into the "real world" where they live boring lives without any memory of their former existence. Their only hope is Snow White and Prince Charming's daughter, Emma (House's Jennifer Morrison), whom it was prophesied would put in motion their salvation on her 28th birthday.

The most unbelievable thing about the show is that Jennifer Morrison is supposed to be 28.

Of course I was attracted to the show; who doesn't love story book characters? And as it has many of the writers from LOST attached to it, I was hoping for a twisty story that would keep me guessing. I've read a lot of other reviews of the show; some loved it, some hated it. But for me, it's not that easy. Let's just say that while I recognize the show has many faults, I still found myself pulled into the story and am looking forward to the second episode.

One thing that other reviewers have identified as a fault is the show's bleak tone. If you're looking for a happily ever after, this isn't the place you're going to find it. But that's actually kind of the point. Sure, it's a bit depressing to identify our world as the most horrible place you could possibly be sent to...but that's the course this show wants to follow. Whether you agree with it or not, that's your call. But at least Once Upon a Time is straight forward with their point of view.

Something that did pleasantly surprise me was how much time we actually spent in the fairy tale world. Based on the previews I was pretty convinced we would only see the fairy realm in the very beginning of the show, but the time was close to equally split between the two places. In the fairy world, Snow White and the Prince worked with the other magical people to devise a plan to defeat the Evil Stepmother/Queen/Witch. Sure, it didn't really work out (or did it???), and those scenes were pretty tense as Snow White had developed a quality anxiety disorder, but still. Magic, yay! Based on the previews for the second episode we'll still spend more time in the magical world as we learn how Snow White and Prince Charming met. I am holding out hope that the show will be structured similar to the later seasons of LOST, where we follow characters in two separate time lines and places.

Oh, and there's an adorable precocious kid. OF COURSE. Also, what is up with Snow White's clothes? All of her dresses look like she got attacked by some swans. Which makes sense, I guess. Swans are actually mean mofos and will seriously fuck you up. And now this picture caption has gotten way out of hand.

So overall, I would recommend the show. If you're someone who is bothered by fairy tales not adhering to their traditional structure, or the idea of someone thinking the world we live in is the worst possible hell imaginable, you might want to steer clear. But I recommend you at least check the show out and see if you can get past the bleakness. I think with a little time to grow (and based on the ratings it's not going anywhere soon) we might be surprised how it ends up. Maybe happily ever after?

Once Upon a Time airs Sunday nights at 8:00 on ABC.

Oh, and if you dig stories about fairy tale people in "the real world" I also recommend you check out the comic/graphic novel series Fables. Word on the street (i.e. the internet) is that ABC originally started to develop a show based on Fables several years ago and while that deal fell through, I think Once Upon a Time is the result. There are some similarities but enough differences that it doesn't feel like a complete rip-off.

Recapping American Horror Story: Ben’s Got 99 Problems…

It’s episode 3 of your favorite wack-tastic new show and mine – we start with a flashback to 1983 where we see the former master of the house forcing himself on none other than SexyOldMaid, now young like how Ben sees her. The rape is stopped by the entrance of Jessica Lange and her shoulder pads. Southern Belle shoots SexyMaid in the eye, killing her instantly before doing the same to her husband. I get that this is all done out of anger and jealousy, but seeing as how it was rape this still seems like a pretty harsh outcome for SexyMaid. Cue the creepy theme music and take us to…

Act I! Vivien and Ben, in a rare show of common sense, have decided to move out of the house. Unfortunately, no one wants to buy. Turns out the scariest thing about this show is actually the Los Angeles housing market. Meanwhile, Southern Belle is stealing more of Vivien’s silverware, taunting SexyOldMaid and lecturing her about dignity. SexyOldMaid is not a happy camper and wants to “move on”, but can’t for some unstated reason. This is actually a really good scene and can I just say, sidebar, that I would watch the HELL out of a sitcom about these two characters?

Considering at least one of them is dead, "BFF" has a whole new meaning.

Regardless, we soon are with Ben as he “listens” to an extremely boring patient and starts to zone out, only to suddenly wake up in his yard with blood on his hands. Speaking as a former therapist myself, I can only say we’ve all been there. Ben goes back inside to see blood stains on the floor and SexyMaid cleaning up with her ass. Well, okay, maybe not using her ass per se. But given its prominence in the camera placement, it’s surely doing some of the work. Ben fires SexyMaid but she refuses to accept. We should all try that next time our bosses threaten to cut us loose. Moving to…

Act II! Ben deals with his suddenly missing patient and the cop trying to find her, only to have his mistress from back in Boston show up unexpectedly saying she didn’t get the abortion she claimed to have last episode and she’s decided to move to LA to be with Ben because she will NOT BE IGNORED! Vivien takes a Most Murderous Places in Los Angeles Where You Should Really Never Live bus tour. Three guesses as to whose house is the last stop. The Exposition Bus gives us some history –the house was built in the 20s by a milquetoast doctor for his snobby east coast wife. When they fell on hard times Lady Macbeth convinced her husband to start performing abortions to make ends meet. Man, the economy really does a number on all of us, doesn’t it? Almost as if some writer intended there to be a cruelly ironic connection between past and present, exactly as Vivien hears about this she starts noticing that she’s spotting pretty badly. What could possibly happen in…

Act III! Viv’s OBGYN/McGuffin-Supplier breaks the bad news: no moving for this family. Vivien’s nascent pregnancy is too unstable to handle the stress. Ben faints just to prove this point and the OBGYN orders an ultrasound of him. Not sure if that’s clinically appropriate and frankly, if I were Ben and Viv, I would ask to see the doc’s medical license again. Later Vivien is hunting for apartments in the LA Times (I guess Craigslist was down) when there is a knock at the door. GASP! It’s Lady Macbeth, wearing modern clothes but still talking with an early 20^th century Mid-Atlantic accent. She says she wants to buy the house, so Viv takes her for a tour but she vanishes after saying she couldn’t put up with all the kitchen’s modern high-end appliances, thus further proving exactly how this show could never happen in the real world. How will we wrap this episode up? Only in…

Act IV! Turns out Ben didn’t kill his boring patient – she only got mad at him for not listening to her so she cut open her own wrists to get Ben’s attention. Again, we’ve all been there. Vivien and daughter Blossom check out new apartments, but Blossom totally has this post-second wave thing going on and says she wants to keep living in the house because it’s where they showed they were strong independent women by fighting off the home invaders together. Not exactly what Gloria Steinem had in mind, but okay. The OBGYN tells Ben that he was being drugged with Laudanum, the same thing the 1920s doctor was using for abortions back in the day. It’s unclear how an ultrasound deduced this. Ben’s mistress comes back and yells at him about how they need to be together. Basically, Ben is dealing with every crazy woman stereotype this show can think of. How to solve the problem? BurnVictim kills the mistress with a shovel. Then together they bury her in the back yard where they nonchalantly discover a skeleton.

Future buddy cops?

Unbeknownst to them, Southern Belle and SexyOldMaid are watching and Southern Belle is all like, “now you’ll never leave” which is actually kind of sad, but then Ben buries the mistress right there by the cover of daylight and builds a gazebo on top of her. Like, in all of three hours. That’s some productive guilt he’s got.

Next time! The Gimp comes back and Sylar…I mean Spock guest stars. No word on if these two things are related.

TV that's bad for you

They say tv is bad for you. That it will ruin your eyes, that it will turn you into a slack-jawed idiot. In my experience that's not the case. As I've said before, there's a difference between watching tv critically and analytically and watching...well, like a slack-jawed idiot.

But I think I found a show that is actually hazardous to my health. The Walking Dead.

The second season is in full swing, and while I am "enjoying" it, the show is so goddamn tense that I can feel my blood pressure go up as soon as the title card appears. It's not that it's going to rot my brains* but more like I am going to have a heart attack while watching it. I think I am in a perpetual state of stress when it's on and that can't be good for you, right?

Why so tense? Basically I expect anyone on the show to get attacked and horribly killed every single second it's on. And I mean everyone. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if the "main" character Rick bit it (ha, "bit it") and lord knows the kids aren't safe. And don't even get me started on the gross stuff. I can take a lot, but cutting open a zombie's stomach to make sure it hadn't eaten a tween....I had to fast forward that shit. I actually have to fast forward a lot of show because I just. can't. take it.

But don't get me wrong. I'm going to keep watching. This is quality drama people! Just don't watch it while eating beef fajitas. Or if you have a heart condition.

ANY OF THEM COULD DIE AT ANY MINUTE!

*braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains

Bits and Pieces

I've had a bunch of ideas for blog posts floating around in my head lately, but none of them really seemed substantial enough for a full-on post of their own. So we're going to do this bullet point style. What do you want from me? It's Friday.

--Beavis and Butthead return to MTV. Yeah, you read that right. It's been 14 years, but Mike Judge is bringing back B&B to our television starting next Thursday night, October 27th, over on MTV. And I couldn't be more excited. Beavis and Butthead was my first introduction (at the age of around 13) to adult humor in cartoons and metal music. Sad but true. So break out the TP and get ready for the boys to tackle Jersey Shore. If Daria makes an appearance it will be just about perfect.

--With all the new shows I'm watching this season, I'm afraid I've had to let some go from the DVR season pass. With the number of shows available for viewing on the internet and On Demand, there's just no keeping up with everything. But that's what winter hiatus was made for, amiright? This year's DVR casualties:

House

Gossip Girl

The Office

30 Rock

See you guys in December!

--There's been a lot of coverage of American Horror Story on the blog lately and look for more, because our brand new permanent blogger Clovis (aka Jayowolf) will be recapping the episodes in all their freaky, creepy, wackadoo glory. I couldn't be more happy since this show has turned out to be one of the biggest surprises of the season for me. I say surprise because I can't believe how much it's sucked me in to the craziness. For example: WHO IS THE GIMP? And damn, Jessica Lange is scary and awesome.

--Finally, if you like your tv cop mysteries smart, sexy, and British, check out Masterpiece Mystery this Sunday evening. They're showing the second of three Case Histories starring Jason Issacs (another of my secret boyfriends) as Jackson Brodie. He's an ex-cop now PI who solves the mysteries the police can't, but is still traumatized from the unsolved murder of his own sister when they were children. He puts on a gruff exterior but tends to get way too emotionally involved in cases for his own good. Once again the Brits school us on drama, and it's definitely worth checking out.

Happy weekend!